Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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