I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
