Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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