I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
