My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
