her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
