is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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