That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
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