if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
