the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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