I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
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On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
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His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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