She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
The best revenge is premature balding
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
