He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
