I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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