my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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