The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
