Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
