There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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