upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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