dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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