My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
