i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
