We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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