so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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