The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
