He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
