If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Randomize
