He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I'm like, not good at living.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
