I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Randomize
