he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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