nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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