Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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