THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
whose parrot is this?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
