Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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