Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
