hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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