you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
