Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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