I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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