@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
it was like eating out sand paper
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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