Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
