also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
