then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He felt like a one man threesome
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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