I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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