Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
