Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
