Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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