I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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