you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
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