I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
