I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
