I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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