I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
