My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
