So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
