My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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