either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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