the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
